Please forgive us insomniacs.
Do you know any? We're the ones who remain awake during dusk and dawn. We're the ones who sometimes forget what sleep is. We're the ones who often remember exactly what it is, and how long it's been since we've had any. We're the ones who have counted the stains on our ceiling, or the cinderblocks on our walls. We're the ones who intimately know every single second of the darkness of the night.
We're obsessed with sleep. Please forgive us.
None of my friends have ever vocalized it--probably because they pity me and don't want to make it worse--but I know that they are annoyed by my obsession with sleep. They are good to me in that way. But I still get the sense that I bring it up a little too often for their liking. That's what happens: the more you love something, the more your friends hate it because you can't help but talk about it and it's a nuisance. I know it is. I try to be aware of my audience.
However, sleep is a fascinating beast; I love it, though it spurns me. I've read articles from the science journals, read all the wikipedia pages, listened to all the TED Talks, written about my research, studied the physiological and psychological effects of my own experiences. There is little else to do in the night.
A friend recently asked me whether my sleeplessness was affecting my grades. She expected that it would improve my GPA. I wish she were right, but that's just not how it works. My grades haven't suffered yet, but that doesn't say anything about the quality of my work. When any person achieves a sub-par amount of sleep (7hrs or fewer), his/her ability both to consume and produce slows. I've noticed this.
Insomnia necessitates absentmindedness, confusion, forgetfulness, lethargy, irritability and sometimes rudeness. If you have the misfortune of knowing an insomniac who is also an introvert, your endurance of these effects is multiplied because the lack of sleep just intensifies the need for withdrawal. It strains relationships; we get that. Often, when you generously extend your encouragement or advice, we reject you. We are broken and difficult creatures, please forgive us. Though we rarely accept your help, your patience with us does not go unnoticed; I assure you.
You see, I only have the audacity to beg your forgiveness because I know that many of you have forgiven us, do forgive us. I have received much grace from you; you who know what it is to go to bed and get out of it seemingly minutes apart even though you have traversed the space of an entire night. It's like time travel.
This is not my best piece of writing. It's probably not my worst but it probably comes pretty close. I've been up all night. Please forgive me.
Best wishes and sweet dreams,
Nicole
